A gentle Parenting U-Turn for the parts that accommodate, worry, and reach for control
Tomorrow is the first day of school.
Your child has been excited all summer. But now it is bedtime, and their stomach hurts. They can’t sleep. One worry tumbles into another:
“What if I don’t know where to go? What if nobody sits with me? What if I feel sick at school?”
You love this child more than anything. Of course you want to help!
So…like any loving parent, you reassure them. You remind them that their teacher will be there. You promise to walk them in. You email the school. Somewhere in the background, you begin rearranging the entire morning inside your mind.
Perhaps your reassurance helps for thirty seconds. But then another worry bubbles up inside your kid.
So you try another solution. And another.
And before long, you can feel yourself becoming increasingly anxious too.
When Love Begins Working Overtime
There may be a deeply caring part of you working very hard in this moment. It might believe that if it can find the right reassurance, the right plan, or the right accommodation, your child will feel safe again. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Because then, perhaps, something inside of you will feel safe too.
The impulse to accommodate usually comes from love. It may also come from a part of us that has a hard time bearing our child’s distress. Because we are so deeply connected, our child’s anxiety might naturally awaken a little anxiety inside of us.
This is so human.
When all our helping can’t make our child’s anxiety go away, that anxious part inside of us may begin reaching out for help from another protector—a part that tries to create safety through control.
This “controlling” part might sound something like this:
“We’ve talked about this enough. You are going to school tomorrow. I don’t want to hear any more about it. Just go back to bed.”
The voice becomes firmer. The body becomes tighter. Irritation begins to leak out, even though we really don’t want it to.
Underneath that irritation, there may still be fear:
“What if I don’t know how to help my child? What if this gets worse? What if it means I’m failing them?”
The Urgency May Have Deep Roots
Our nervous systems are always listening for cues of safety and danger. For parents who have lived through unpredictability, trauma, or relationships in which other people’s emotions felt dangerous, a child’s distress may awaken an older sense of urgency.
If that’s the case, then this one bedtime might actually be carrying emotional weight from the past.
We may never understand everything that’s stirring inside of us. Our curiosity doesn’t need a clear answer. It often just needs a little space—a little permission to explore. A little willingness to turn inward.
This is the beginning of a Parenting U-Turn: turning our attention toward the parts of us that have been activated and coming back home to ourselves, in this day and time.
Turning Toward the Parent Inside
You might begin by allowing yourself to feel the support of the chair beneath you. Notice that breathing is already happening. You don’t have to make it happen. It’s simply there for you.
Bring to mind a manageable moment when your child’s anxiety awakened something inside you.
Perhaps you notice a part that wants to reassure again and again. Or a part making plans. Or a part that desperately needs the anxiety to stop.
You might offer these parts a little warmth:
I notice how hard you’re working to help my child feel okay.
And perhaps you gently wonder:
What are you afraid might happen if their anxiety doesn’t go away?
There is no need to search for an answer. Let the question rest gently inside.
Then see if you might feel a little warmth towards this part of you. And if so, see if you can offer a little companionship:
“I’m here. I know you want to solve it all tonight. We can take this one moment at a time. Together. You don’t have to do this alone.”
If it feels possible, you might respectfully ask whether these protectors would be willing to offer you a little space—a little breathing room—so you can remain close to them while also listening for what this moment truly needs.
Compassion Can Live Beside a Clear Limit
Your child may still feel anxious. You may still feel some anxiety too. The U-Turn simply creates a little more space around both experiences.
From that internal spaciousness, you can turn back toward your child with warmth, steadiness and clarity:
“I can see that going to school feels really hard right now. I’m here with you.”
“I know it’s hard, and I know you can do it.”
“I know your tummy hurts, sweetie. That’s hard. We’re still going to get ready for school this morning.”
Compassion can live right beside a calm, clear limit.
We can care deeply about our child’s fear while releasing ourselves from the impossible task of removing every ounce of it. When we choose to accommodate, we can gently wonder how much an anxious part of us might be hoping to make the discomfort disappear.
There is no formula that gives us a perfect answer in every moment. What grows over time is our relationship with ourselves—the capacity to notice, listen, and become curious about what’s unfolding within us.
No Inner Child Left Behind
Our accommodating, anxious, and controlling parts have all been trying to protect us from something…maybe even from overwhelm. They don’t need to be banished from our inner world.
We can welcome them. We can listen. We can ask, with respect, whether they might offer us just enough breathing room, so we can be with them, and help lead the way.
No (inner) child left behind.
And it’s ok if we accommodate, get angry or becoming controlling too. Sometimes we will recognize what happened only afterward. Even that recognition can become a doorway back into relationship—with ourselves and with our child.
And that relationship might become another small step along the pathway of healing for generations to come.
If you’d rather watch or listen, you can view this topic here:
When Your Child is Anxious, Try A Parenting U-Turn | IFS Parenting (SLPL 25)
Related Links: Child Therapy, Therapy for Parents
If you’d like help for your child, teen, or family, our group of therapists would be honored to support you.