Sometimes, after someone you love dearly has died, you can explain what happened—but feel very far away from the pain of it. Perhaps you lost a beloved pet, experienced a breakup or divorce, or are grieving a tragedy affecting your community. You know there has been a loss. And yet, there’s a blankness. A fog. A sense that it doesn’t quite feel real.

Another aspect of your personality may be wondering, "Why don’t I feel anything?" Perhaps you want to feel close to the one you lost, and the numbness feels unsettling to you.

There can be so much tenderness around that longing. We can love someone deeply and still feel distant from the pain of losing them.

Becoming curious about the protection

Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we might become curious about a self-protective aspect of our inner life that helps create this distance from the pain. Perhaps it’s concerned that the grief will overwhelm us, or that we won’t be able to function if we feel everything all at once.

Some people experience that numbing as something like a loving anesthetic, softening what feels too painful to take in. Others find it frustrating or frightening. There’s room for all of these experiences.

Whether you relate to the language of “parts,” “sub-personalities,” or different aspects of your personality, the invitation is to become interested in your own, rich inner life. With some compassionate curiosity, you might begin to wonder: 

What might this numbing aspect be trying to help you with? What does it need you to understand?

Getting to know it can be a meaningful encounter in itself. 

If this feels too difficult to explore without support in place, it can be helpful to simply respect its need for distance today. 

A gentle moment of noticing

If you’re safely settled and it feels okay to explore, please keep in mind that you can pause the inner exploration at any point. If you feel foggier or less connected to where you are, gently return your attention to the room and leave the exploration for another time. 

You might keep your eyes open for this inner exploration - and begin to notice three things in the room, along with their colors. Perhaps “tan curtains,” “green plant,” or “blue mug.” Let some of your attention remain with your surroundings.

Without revisiting a painful memory, simply notice whether the experience of numbness feels familiar to you. 

And if so, see if you might get curious about it and how this numbness presents itself to you.

If you’d like, have a pen and paper nearby. You might write a sentence on your page that begins with: 

“I notice…”

And write down what you notice about this part of your inner life.

You might notice where it shows up in or around your body. Perhaps there’s a lack of sensation somewhere in or around your body. Some people experience a lot of activity in their head, but no sensation from the neck down. Or perhaps there’s only a sense of distance, with no particular location in or around your body. Just stay with what’s true for you.

You might notice if there is a color, sound, or an image that goes along with this numbness. 

There doesn’t need to be an image, sound, or a color, either. It’s just a possibility to explore.

You don’t need to make the numbness stronger or go further into the fog to get to know it better.

If you’d like, you can write a word or two on your page, or draw a shape, a symbol, or some energy lines using different colors. 

You can also leave the page blank if you prefer and simply be with the experience that you’re having inside.

As you get a little sense of this experience of numbness, notice how you feel toward it. If frustration or fear comes forward, that aspect of you deserves attention, too. 

And if some warm curiosity is available, feel free to share that with the numbness. Perhaps gently ask:

“How might you be trying to help me?”

“What would you like me to understand?”

“How would you like me to be with you?”

There may be a response, or the questions may simply linger. 

And if answers to these questions do come, then we can listen without asking it to change its job. It doesn’t need to do anything different today.

Honoring your timing

When you’re ready to close for now, you might thank this aspect of yourself for whatever it shared. Then look around and notice three things in the room. 

This inner conversation can continue another time, at a pace that feels right for you.

For today, perhaps you’ve recognized something about the one that helps you feel numb—and offered it a little acknowledgment:

“I see how hard you’re trying to help me. I’d like to understand you better.”

The numbness may still be here. There may also be the beginning of a relationship with an aspect of your inner life that has been quietly carrying so much as it tries its best to support you.

If disconnection affects your safety or interferes with your daily life, consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional. Numbness is common - you’re not alone. And there is help.

This reflection accompanies Episode 3 of The Self-Led Life, “Feeling Numb in Grief: Welcoming Your Protective Parts.” It offers education and self-reflection, rather than therapy.

Continue Your Journey & Connect

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Watch the Corresponding Video: https://mcaft.com/ifs-videos