Maybe you walked into the room expecting to read the bedtime story.
Maybe you were looking forward to those few quiet minutes together.
And suddenly, you find out that your child doesn’t want you. You hear them say:
“I want Daddy.”
Or:
“I want my other Mommy.”
There are few parenting moments quite as tender. Something inside of you can sink. Or tighten. Or want to protect itself by leaving the room, and quietly closing the door behind you.
And sometimes, all that is happening is that your child just wants Daddy tonight.
Maybe they miss Daddy. Or they like the funny voices he uses when he reads. They like the song he sings. They like the way he tucks the blankets around their feet.
Children have preferences.
And those preferences can change from one evening to the next.
But I wonder if there are other moments when something more tender might be happening.
What if, sometimes, your child pushing you away could also be a signal that something in the relationship needs a little loving attention?
And what if, sometimes, that signal is a hidden bid for reconnection?
When Hurt Comes Out Sideways
Young children rarely come to us and say:
“I missed you while you were away.”
“I wanted your attention yesterday when you were looking at your phone.”
“I feel like the baby gets more of you than I do.”
“You seem worried lately, and I don’t know how to reach you.”
Often, children don’t understand their inner experience clearly enough to explain it.
They simply feel it.
And sometimes, that hurt comes out sideways.
“I don’t want you.”
“Go away.”
“I want Daddy.”
Perhaps there are moments when a child pushes us away because they don’t yet know how to pull us closer.
We don’t need to assume this is what’s happening.
We don’t need to analyze our child or ask them to explain.
We can simply become curious.
What Happens Inside of You?
Before we can become curious about our child, though, we may need to turn toward ourselves.
Because rejection hurts.
And when something inside of us feels rejected, another part often arrives quickly to protect us.
Maybe a part of us gets angry.
Maybe a part of us becomes cold.
Maybe a part wants to withdraw affection before our child can hurt us again.
Maybe a part of us wants reassurance:
“Don’t you want me to read to you?”
“Why do you always choose Daddy?”
These responses are deeply human.
In Internal Family Systems therapy, we understand that even the parts of us that react in ways we later regret are often trying to protect something more vulnerable underneath.
So rather than pushing those reactions away, we can make what I call a Parenting U-Turn.
We turn toward ourselves first.
And perhaps we gently ask:
What’s getting in the way of my remaining warmly available to my child right now?
Maybe there’s hurt. Jealousy. Loneliness. A familiar feeling of being unwanted.
We don’t have to make any of it disappear.
We can simply offer some companionship to the places inside of us that are hurting. We might communicate with those tender places inside:
I feel how painful this is for you.
I’m right here.
You don’t have to hold this alone.
Sometimes that inner connection creates just a little more space.
And from that internal sense of connection and spaciousness, we can turn toward our child again.
Keeping the Relational Door Open
Perhaps your child still wants the other parent.
That’s okay.
If that parent is available, you might step back - just one little step.
Not disappear.
Not punish.
Just make room for their feelings.
You might say, with a soft, warm smile, “It’s okay, sweetheart. Daddy is right here for you. And I’m right here too, whenever you need me.”
There is something powerful about giving a child space while keeping the relational door open.
Our presence can quietly communicate:
You’re allowed to want Daddy tonight.
You’re allowed to have whatever feelings you’re having.
Our relationship can hold this.
And if the other parent isn’t available, we can hold the boundary with the same warmth.
“It’s me tonight.” And then listen to their upset about that.
“You can tell me all about how much you want Daddy.” And then listen to them complain that it’s you.
“Keep going. I’ll stay here with you.” And then listen.
Limit. Listen. Limit. Listen. And so on.
Our child doesn’t have to stop wanting the other parent in order to remain connected to us.
And we can take care of our own hurt in order to give them space to have their own feelings.
Reconnection May Come Later
The beautiful thing about relationships is that repair doesn’t have to happen in the moment of rupture.
Maybe bedtime is simply too tender.
Maybe your child has feelings that need somewhere to go.
Maybe tonight they really do need some distance from you.
Tomorrow, you can create another opening.
Sit beside them while they play.
Invite them into Special Time.
Follow their laughter.
Notice what captures their attention.
Enter their world without requiring a conversation about what happened.
Play can quietly communicate:
I still want to know you.
I still want to enter your world.
I’m still here for you.
Sometimes this is how children find their way back to us.
Through our steady presence, and the resilience of our enduring relationship.
What’s in the Way Is the Way
One of the things I find most hopeful about parenting is that the moments that activate us can become invitations into our own healing.
Your child says, “I don’t want you.”
And suddenly something very old and raw aches inside. That ache may simply be a trailhead. An invitation to become curious about the places inside of you that still need tenderness, witnessing, and care.
This is why I often return to the phrase:
What’s in the way is the way.
The hurt that seems to stand between you and your child may become a doorway back toward yourself.
And when you can turn toward yourself with compassion, you may discover a little more spaciousness to turn toward your child.
Here’s how it might show up in me: I feel rejected.
I turn toward the hurt inside me.
I become spacious enough to wonder about my child.
I keep the relational door open.
And eventually, reconnection has somewhere to land.
We will lose connection with our children sometimes. They will push us away. We’ll get hurt. We’ll react imperfectly.
And then…again and again, we can look for the path back.
Perhaps this is one of the gifts of a secure relationship:
Not that we never lose each other.
But that, over time, our children discover that when something comes between us, we can find our way gently back to each other again.
If you’d rather watch or listen, you can view this topic here:
Could Your Child's Rejection Be a Bid for Reconnection? | IFS-Informed Parenting (SLPL 23)
Related Links: Child Therapy, Therapy for Parents
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