And how to talk with your child or teen about getting started
Parenting a highly emotional child or teen can be exhausting, confusing, and at times overwhelming — especially when big reactions seem to come out of nowhere. This article is meant to help you understand how therapy works, what our approach looks like, and how to talk with your child or teen about starting therapy in a way that feels warm, supportive and calm - so your child / teen is more likely to remain open to the idea of therapy.
We want to thank you for your interest. The fact that you are reading this article indicates to us that you are a deeply engaged parent. You are curious and open to learning about the best ways to communicate with your child. You understand that you are an essential bridge between the therapist and your child, and that exploring the parent-child communication patterns will be an important part of the healing process. So - thank you for your engagement. We appreciate you!
A Helpful Way to Think About Your Child’s Behavior
Many children and teens who are described as “controlling,” “defiant,” or “manipulative” actually have very sensitive nervous systems.
A sensitive system can mean:
- Your child becomes overwhelmed more easily than others
- Overwhelm often shows up as anxiety (even if it doesn’t look like worry)
- Anxiety can lead children to try to control their environment to feel safer
- When things don’t go as expected, big emotional reactions can happen quickly
This is not because your child is trying to be difficult — it’s often because they don’t yet have the tools to manage big feelings in their body or communicate their deeper needs effectively.
You might notice that these reactions happen most at home. That’s very common. Home is where children and teens often feel safest letting their guard down and attempt to process their deeper feelings and/or signal that they have deeper needs that haven’t been fully addressed.
How Therapy Helps
Therapy is not about fixing your child or pointing out what’s “wrong.” It’s about helping your child feel safer, more understood, and more capable of managing big emotions over time.
Here’s what that typically looks like:
1. Building Trust First
Your child’s therapist will focus first on building a warm, trusting relationship. This helps your child feel safe enough to open up and try new skills.
2. Learning Through Creative Expression and Connection
For children, therapy often happens through play, creativity, and interaction — not just talking. For teens, therapy may include conversation, creative expression, and relationship-based work.
Skills are introduced gradually and developmentally, often without your child / teen even realizing they are “learning.”
3. Supporting Parents Along the Way
Parents are an essential part of the process. You’ll meet with the therapist regularly to:
- Share what you’re seeing at home
- Learn how to respond during meltdowns or shutdowns
- Reduce power struggles
- Support regulation and connection
Therapy works best when we support the whole family system, not just the child.
How to Talk with Your Child / Teen About Starting Therapy
Many parents worry about what to say — and that’s completely understandable. We recommend keeping the language light, warm, and supportive. This helps the child / teen remain more open to the idea of therapy. If it is pitched as “Your behaviors are just too challenging and you REALLY need this!”, there can be a lot of pushback.
For Younger Children
You might say:
“You’re going to get to see a Feelings Coach — someone who is there just for you.” “Just like it helps to have a coach when you play sports, it helps to have a Feelings Coach in the game of life.” “You can talk to them about anything that’s on your mind or in your heart.” “I’m learning about my feelings too! And I’ll be talking with the Feelings Coach so I can learn the best ways to support you, because I love you & care about you.”
For Older Children or Teens
You might say:
“This is a space just for you — to talk, think things through, or figure out what helps when life feels hard.” “I know there are some things you can’t talk to me about, and I’d like you to have a go-to person in your life for those things.” “You don’t have to have the right words, and you don’t have to talk about anything you’re not ready to talk about.” “I found two therapists who seem really wonderful. I’d like to give you the chance to look at their bios and see which one you’d like to meet with. And if it isn’t the right fit in the end, we’ll keep trying until we find the right fit for you. Your comfort is important to me.”
Helpful reminders:
- Your child / teen is not in trouble
- Therapy is support, not punishment
- The therapist is on your team
Watch the videos on the “Child Therapy” / “Teen Therapy” page for additional guidance.
What Progress Often Looks Like
Therapy is a process. Progress may look like:
- Fewer meltdowns
- Big emotions don’t last as long
- Faster recovery after big emotions
- More flexibility / less rigidity over time
- Improved communication
- Stronger connection between you and your child
Change often happens gradually, and sometimes in ways that are subtle at first. We’ll help guide you so you can optimize for these changes along the way.
A Final Note
Behind big behavior is often a nervous system doing its best to cope.
You are a caring parent who is doing your best with the tools you have available to you.
Reaching out for support is a meaningful step — so courageous of you — and you don’t have to navigate this alone. We’re honored to partner with you and your child / teen.
If you ever have questions along the way, please reach out. We’re here to help.
If you haven’t already done so, CLICK HERE to request an appointment today.