Dear Sweetheart,
There’s something I’ve been thinking about lately that I want to say to you.
For a lot of years, when things happened — sometimes even small things, like knocking a glass of water over at the table — I reacted quickly.
My voice would get sharp. My words would come out faster and louder than I intended.
And I want to say something clearly.
I’m sorry for the times my frustration landed on you.
When I look back now, I can see that many of those reactions were coming from parts of me that were overwhelmed and in need of my attention.
But at the time, I didn’t know how to pause and check inside myself first.
So instead of speaking for those parts…
I often spoke from them.
And the impact of that landed on you.
I want to acknowledge something that matters to me.
You’ve had to carry the impact of my words and my tone during those moments — during all the years when I didn’t always respond the way you deserved.
And I’m really sorry for that.
Lately, I’ve been doing some of my own inner work.
I’ve been learning that when something activates me, causing my heart to beat loudly inside my chest, I can pause for a moment… and check inside myself before I speak.
I can notice the part of me that’s frustrated, or worried, or wanting everything to go a certain way.
And instead of letting that part take over…
I can slow down and say something like,
“A part of me is feeling really overwhelmed right now.”
It may sound like a small shift.
But inside, it has changed a lot.
Because when I do that, I’m able to respond to you from a place that feels calmer… more connected… and more compassionate towards both you and me.
And that’s the kind of parent I want to keep becoming.
Not someone who never has frustrated parts — because all of us do. It’s natural to be frustrated from time to time.
But someone who knows how to listen to those parts first, so they don’t spill out onto the people I love.
My hope is that as you grow, you’ll see that people can learn.
That even adults are still growing.
And that feelings don’t have to be thrown at someone in the heat of the moment.
They can be spoken about honestly and calmly.
If I can model that more and more over time, then something good will come from all the learning we’re doing together.
You deserve a parent who keeps learning and growing and who is committed to responding with care.
And I want you to know that I’m working on that — a little more every day.
I’m open to hearing any thoughts about any of this - but no pressure. Only if it feels right to you to respond.
Love, Mom / Dad
When the Water Spills Again: A Teen’s Reply
Dear Mom and Dad,
Yes, in the past, when the water spills and I hear the frustration in your voice, something inside me shrinks a little.
I start to feel like I’m the problem.
Like I’m the kid who always messes things up.
Sometimes I can see the moment happen on your face.
The quick sigh. The tight shoulders. The look that says, Here we go again.
And I get it.
You’ve probably had a long day.
There are a hundred things you’re thinking about.
But when that moment happens, I’m not just hearing words about water.
I’m hearing a story about who I am.
But every once in a while, when something different happens.
When you pause.
And instead of snapping, you say something like,
“A part of me is feeling really frustrated right now.”
When you say that, something changes for me.
It doesn’t make me feel like the problem.
It makes me feel like we’re both human.
Like you’re letting me see what’s happening inside you - instead of pushing it onto me.
And strangely, when you talk that way…
I actually want to help. I want to grab the towel. I want to make it better.
Not because I’m scared.
But because I feel like we’re on the same team.
Like you’re human. And that makes it ok for me to be human too.
I know you said you’re still learning. And I’m still learning too.
And sometimes my hands are clumsy and my attention drifts.
But when you show me that big feelings can be talked about…
Instead of thrown at someone…
You’re teaching me something I think I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.
So – thank you for that.
Love, Your kid
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Author
Jaclyn Long, LMFT is the Founder & Director of Mindful Child & Family Therapy, a family-focused group psychotherapy practice serving families across Los Altos, Mountain View–Los Altos, San Jose, Half Moon Bay, and via telehealth throughout California.
Jaclyn specializes in trauma-informed therapy for children, teens, adults, couples, and families, with a particular passion for helping parents navigate the emotional intensity of raising sensitive, high-achieving, and neurodiverse kids. Her work is grounded in Internal Family Systems (IFS), attachment science, and nervous system-informed care.
In addition to her clinical work, Jaclyn mentors therapists, leads retreats, and speaks about Self-led parenting, intergenerational healing, and relational leadership. Her mission is to help people nurture the most important relationships in their lives — including their relationship with themselves. She has developed a strong team of child therapists and parent consultants who would be honored to support you and your children.
Learn More about Jaclyn Long through her Bio Page, Psychology Today and LinkedIn.