(Including to Things You Think I Don’t Notice)
Dear Parent,
I know you think I’m not watching anymore.
I know you think I’m distracted, checked out, glued to my phone, or lost in my own world.
But I’m still paying attention. Just — differently.
Teenagers notice patterns. We notice tone shifts, voice changes and body tension. We notice what gets tight in the room before anyone says a word.
And because my nervous system is sensitive, I notice more than most.
A Few Things I’ve Learned About You
I’ve learned that you carry a lot.
I can tell when your responsible part is driving. It’s the one that keeps track of schedules, expectations, deadlines, and what’s “supposed” to happen by now.
That part sounds confident.
But it’s tired. I can tell.
On the Part of You That Needs Me to Be Okay
I’ve noticed that when I’m not okay, something in you gets scared.
You might call it concern. Or love.
But from the inside, it feels like urgency.
That’s when you ask questions fast. That’s when your voice changes just a little. That’s when solutions start lining up before I’ve even finished talking.
I know that part is trying to protect me, or you – well, I guess both of us.
But sometimes, when that part takes over, my system hears:
“You need to be better so I can relax!”
That’s usually when I stop talking.
On the Stories You Carry (Even When You Don’t Say Them Out Loud)
Here’s something I don’t think you realize:
I know a lot about your childhood.
Not the details. The emotional climate.
I can feel when my struggles bump up against something that seems “old” in you.
Like when my anxiety touches a place in you that you were never allowed to express. Or when my anger activates feelings in you that you were never permitted to feel. Or when my sensitivity brushes up against a story you learned – maybe about being “too much” or “not enough.”
Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying my feelings and yours.
Not because you ask me to. But because our nervous systems talk to each other in silent ways.
On My Silence
When I pull away, it’s not because I don’t need you.
It’s often because I’m trying to figure out where I end… and you begin.
I need a little time for this untangling.
I’m building my own internal world. And that takes a lot of time, energy and sorting out.
When I go quiet, it’s usually because:
- I don’t have language yet
- Or I don’t want to overwhelm you
- Or I’m protecting something tender
- Or I’m overwhelmed myself
My silence doesn’t mean I’m indifferent. Sometimes it means I’m still sorting things out inside.
On My Own Parts (Since We’re Being Honest)
I have parts too.
I have:
- A part that wants independence immediately…like, yesterday
- A part that still wants reassurance
- A part that feels deeply and doesn’t know where to put it all
- A part that’s afraid of disappointing you
- A part that’s afraid of becoming you
- And a part that’s afraid of not becoming you
They don’t always agree. Neither do yours.
What Actually Helps (Maybe More Than You Know)
It helps when you notice yourself - before you react.
When you say something like:
“I think this is bringing up a lot for me.”
Or:
“I don’t fully understand this yet, but I want to.”
When you slow your body down—even a little—my nervous system feels less alone.
When you don’t make my growth a referendum on your parenting, I can breathe again.
A Few Things I Wish Parents of Teens Like Me Knew
- Pulling away is not the same as disconnecting.
- Sensitivity doesn’t disappear in adolescence—it just goes underground.
- Anxiety is often about safety, not defiance or laziness.
- When you regulate yourself, you give me permission to do the same.
- I don’t need you to be perfect. I need you to be aware, real and reachable.
We’re both doing something hard here, as we get to know ourselves better.
Growing up. Becoming more aware. And letting go.
Love, Your Teen with a Sensitive Nervous System
Honest Takeaways for Parents
- Teen silence often protects something still forming.
- Intergenerational patterns show up under stress—even with the best intentions.
- Parents’ urgency can unintentionally amplify teen anxiety.
- Taking a moment to pause, do a “You-Turn” and name your own, internal experience can lower defenses on both sides.
- Connection in adolescence looks quieter, slower, and less obvious—but it still matters deeply.
— From therapists at Mindful Child & Family Therapy who sit with families like yours every day.
Contact Start Your Free Consultation
Author
Jaclyn Long, LMFT is the Founder & Director of Mindful Child & Family Therapy, a family-focused group psychotherapy practice serving families across Los Altos, Mountain View–Los Altos, San Jose, Half Moon Bay, and via telehealth throughout California.
Jaclyn specializes in trauma-informed therapy for children, teens, adults, couples, and families, with a particular passion for helping parents navigate the emotional intensity of raising sensitive, high-achieving, and neurodiverse kids. Her work is grounded in Internal Family Systems (IFS), attachment science, and nervous system-informed care.
In addition to her clinical work, Jaclyn mentors therapists, leads retreats, and speaks about Self-led parenting, intergenerational healing, and relational leadership. Her mission is to help people nurture the most important relationships in their lives — including their relationship with themselves. She has developed a strong team of child therapists and parent consultants who would be honored to support you and your children.
Learn More about Jaclyn Long through her Bio Page, Psychology Today and LinkedIn.