Parent of Teens Handout: What to Say to Your Teen About Starting Therapy
The Warm & Relational Approach
“I want to talk with you about something, and I want to start by saying this isn’t a punishment, and you’re not in trouble.
I love you, and I care about how you’re doing—especially what you’re carrying on the inside.
I know there are probably things you don’t feel comfortable talking to me about. That makes sense. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through everything alone.
I’d like to offer you the option of having someone outside of our family to talk to—a therapist—whose job is to listen and support you, without judgment.
Therapy is meant to be a space that’s just for you. You get to decide what you talk about, how much you share, and at what pace.
What you talk about there stays private. I’m not going to ask the therapist what you say—just like I wouldn’t read your journal. That privacy matters, and I want you to feel safe.
At the same time, I may also get support as a parent—not to invade your space—but so I can learn how to show up better for you. Because this is hard, and I care about getting it right.
I also want you to have a choice. We can look at a few therapist options together, you can read their bios, and you can decide who you’d like to meet with. And if it doesn’t feel like a good fit, we’ll keep looking.
You don’t have to decide anything right now. I just wanted to open the conversation and let you know you don’t have to do this alone.”
The Autonomy-Respecting Approach
“I want to talk with you about something, and I want your input—not a decision made for you.
Being a teen is hard, and I don’t expect you to figure everything out on your own.
I’ve been thinking about whether it might help to have someone outside our family for you to talk to—a therapist. This wouldn’t be about fixing you or changing who you are. It would be about giving you a space that’s yours.
Therapy works best when you feel comfortable and have control. You choose what you talk about. You choose how much you share. And what you say stays private.
I won’t be asking the therapist what you’re talking about. My role is to support you, not to pry.
I may also get support for myself, because when things feel hard between us, I want to be more regulated and grounded—not reactive. That’s on me.
I’d like you to be involved in choosing who you meet with. We can look at a couple of options together, and if it doesn’t feel right, we’ll try someone else. The relationship matters.
You don’t have to decide today. I just want you to know this is an option, and that I’m here with you in it.”
Optional Closing For Either Approach
“No matter what, I love you.
You matter to me.
And getting support is something we do because relationships matter.”
What to Say If Your Teen Says “No” to Therapy
First: Pause Before Responding
Your teen saying “no” is not a failure. It’s information.
Often, “no” means:
- “I don’t feel safe yet.”
- “I don’t want to be controlled.”
- “I’m overwhelmed.”
- “I don’t trust this process yet.”
Your calm matters more than your words.
IF YOUR TEEN SAYS:
“I don’t want therapy.”
You can say:
“Thank you for telling me how you feel. I hear that you don’t want this right now. I’m not here to force you. I want to understand what makes this feel like a ‘no’ for you.”
IF YOUR TEEN SAYS:
“Therapy is stupid / pointless / not for me.”
You can say:
“That makes sense. A lot of people feel unsure or skeptical about therapy.
I’m not saying you have to like the idea. I just care about how you’re doing, and I don’t want you to carry everything alone.”
IF YOUR TEEN SAYS:
“I’m fine. I don’t need help.”
You can say:
“I’m really glad you’re telling me that.
And I also want you to know that therapy isn’t only for when something is ‘wrong.’ Sometimes it’s just a space to talk, think, or understand yourself better.
You don’t have to need help to deserve support.”
IF YOUR TEEN SAYS:
“I don’t want to talk to a stranger.”
You can say:
“That makes sense. Talking to someone you don’t know can feel awkward or uncomfortable at first.
If we explored this, we’d go at your pace—and you’d have a say in who you meet with. If it didn’t feel like a good fit, we wouldn’t keep going with that person.”
WHEN IT’S TIME TO GENTLY HOLD THE BOUNDARY
“I hear that you don’t want this right now, and I respect that.
At the same time, part of my job as your parent is to keep supporting your well-being.
So for now, we’re going to keep this conversation open. We don’t have to decide everything today.”
OFFER A REGULATING CLOSING STATEMENT
“I care about you and your thoughts about this.
I’m on your side.
We can take this one step at a time.”
KEY REMINDER FOR PARENTS (Not to Read Out Loud)
- Connection before compliance
- Curiosity before convincing
- Regulation before resolution
Your teen must feel a sense of safety first — so words can land second.
What NOT to Say When Talking to Your Teen About Therapy
WHY THIS MATTERS
Even well-intentioned words can accidentally increase defensiveness, shame, or shutdown.This page is not about blaming parents — it’s about helping your words land with more safety and connection.
When teens feel controlled, judged, or misunderstood, they stop listening.When they feel respected and emotionally safe, conversations stay open.
PHRASES TO AVOID — AND WHY
“You can’t handle things without professional help.”
Why this doesn’t help:
This frames therapy as a response to being broken or defective, which often triggers shame.
What to remember instead:
Therapy is about support, growth, and understanding — not fixing what’s “wrong.”
“If you don’t go to therapy, things are going to get worse.”
Why this doesn’t help:
This creates fear and pressure, which often leads to resistance or shutdown.
What to remember instead:Fear rarely motivates teens toward openness — safety does.
“You need therapy.”
Why this doesn’t help:This removes choice and can feel like a judgment or command.
What to remember instead:Offering therapy as an option invites collaboration instead of power struggles.
“I’m making you go because I’m your parent.”
Why this doesn’t help:
While parents do have authority, leading with power often damages trust and connection.
What to remember instead:
Boundaries land best when teens feel respected, even when they don’t agree.
“Your therapist will tell me what you say.”
Why this doesn’t help:
This undermines confidentiality and makes therapy feel unsafe.
What to remember instead:
Privacy is essential for teens to engage honestly in therapy.
“Everyone else does therapy — it’s not a big deal.”
Why this doesn’t help:
This can feel dismissive of a teen’s very real fears or hesitations.
What to remember instead:
Your teen’s experience is unique and deserves to be taken seriously.
“Just try it — you’ll like it.”
Why this doesn’t help:
Teens often hear this as minimizing or invalidating their concerns.
What to remember instead:
It’s okay for therapy to feel awkward or uncomfortable at first.
LANGUAGE TO BE ESPECIALLY MINDFUL ABOUT
Avoid:
- Diagnosing your teen
- Labeling their behavior
- Comparing them to siblings or peers
- Using therapy as a threat or consequence
A GENTLE PARENT REMINDER (Not to Read Out Loud)
You don’t have to say everything perfectly.
Your calm presence, willingness to listen, and respect for your teen’s autonomy matter more than any single phrase.
Connection builds safety.
Safety builds trust.
Trust keeps the door open.