Sometimes, when we’re grieving, what we want most is a little relief.
We don’t want to feel the ache. We want to get through the day, enjoy ourselves a little - like we used to, or have a quiet moment without being reminded of who and what is missing.
If you recognize that wish within yourself, I want to say this: It makes sense that you want relief from the pain of your grief.
Grief can hurt so much. The longing. The regret. The things we wish we could have said and the things we wish we could have done. Of course there may be a part of us that wants some distance from all of that.
That’s so natural. So human.
And - as I like to say…
What’s in the way, IS the way.
So perhaps we can take the next step on this healing journey by getting to know the part that needs to turn away from the grief…the part that has been running from it.
When staying busy helps…(until the quiet stillness comes)
A meaningful date approaches. An anniversary, a birthday, a holiday.
Somewhere inside, there may be a tender wish to remember, honor, or celebrate the person you love. You consider going somewhere special, making a favorite meal, or setting a place for them at the table.
Then another part says, “No way. I can’t do this today.”
So you stay busy. You clean, work, do yard work, or take care of everyone else. And perhaps that helps. There may be moments when you really do feel some relief.
But later, when the tasks are finished and the house gets quiet, the grief is there. Waiting for you. Another part reaches for something to help: food, a drink, your phone, or a show you can watch long into the night.
I see versions of this so often in my work with clients. People have spent years—sometimes decades—trying to keep painful feelings at bay. They’re tired. The effort to avoid suffering has itself become exhausting.
There’s something tender in that: a part trying so hard to help, whose efforts may unintentionally contribute to more suffering. A part that needs some help itself. A part that wants to rest, but maybe doesn’t know how.
Becoming curious about the wish for relief
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we become curious about these protective responses.
Some protectors organize life around keeping pain at a distance. Others rush in when pain breaks through, seeking relief quickly.
The same activity can serve different purposes. Cleaning might feel enjoyable and satisfying. Or we might keep cleaning because stopping feels unbearable.
We can become curious about both the good intention of these parts of us:
What relief is this response trying to bring? What feels so hard about the quiet?
There is protective wisdom in taking a break. We don’t have to open to every feeling, all at once, simply because it’s there.
A moment with the part that turns away
In IFS, we find that it can be helpful to go inside and “be with” the parts of ourselves that hold the desire to turn away from the grief.
Before beginning such a practice, know that you can pause or stop at any time, for any reason. This reflection is optional, and it isn’t a substitute for therapy.
If you’d like to continue, perhaps look around and name three things you see. Notice their colors. Feel your feet and the support beneath you.
Then gently notice the wish to turn away from grief. There’s no need to bring up a painful memory. You might simply notice words, tension, or an impulse to get busy.
If “parts” language doesn’t feel natural, you can think of this as a response within you—an aspect of your inner life that needs relief.
Notice…How do you feel toward it?
If you notice frustration or fear, acknowledge that response, too. You might ask whether it would be willing to witness you listening to the one that wants relief. If it isn’t willing, there’s no need to push past it.
And if some interest or curiosity is available, perhaps offer:
“It makes sense that you want relief.”
“What do you need me to understand?”
Give it time. Words may come, or a sensation, or nothing in particular. See what unfolds, and trust that.
Perhaps let it know:
“We don’t have to feel that pain right now. I’d like to stay here with you and get to know you.”
Leaving room for another time
There may also be memories you want to honor someday. If it feels helpful, bring to mind a loving container where those memories can rest. You don’t have to call up all of those memories, or gather them all.
And notice a loving inscription on the outside of the container that reads:
“Memories to be celebrated and honored…when the time is right.”
If the image of the container doesn’t help, let it go.
Before returning to your day, thank the part that has been trying to protect you. Take your time noticing the room, moving your hands, and feeling your feet again.
The conversation within you can remain open, and ongoing.
With enough support, there may come a time when this part trusts you more, and feels willing to let you be with some of the grief. Today, getting to know the one inside who wants to avoid the grief can be enough.
And remember that support is available—whether that support is in the form of a free grief group, or an individual therapist. You don’t have to carry all of this alone.
This reflection accompanies Episode 4 of The Self-Led Life, “Grief & Avoidance: Getting to Know the Part That Turns Away.” Learn more about Mindful Child & Family Therapy at mcaft.com.
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About the Author
Jaclyn Long, LMFT, is the founder of Mindful Child & Family Therapy in the San Francisco Bay Area and host of The Self-Led Life. Her work invites people to turn toward their inner lives with curiosity and compassion, deepen their connection with Self, and build relationships with more of themselves.