Transforming Morning and Bedtime Routines with Kids
By: Saumya Patel and Jaclyn Long
Mornings and bedtimes can often feel like the most stressful parts of the day for parents. But what if we could turn these routines into calm, connected, and even joyful rituals? With a little creativity and some thoughtful structure, these daily transitions can become sweet moments of connection and empowerment instead of power struggles.
The Iceberg: Considering What’s Beneath the Behavior
When children act out during morning or bedtime routines—refusing to get dressed, stalling, throwing tantrums—it’s easy to focus only on the visible behavior (the tip of the iceberg). It’s helpful to refer to these behaviors that we see above the surface, the visible part of the iceberg, as “offtrack behaviors”. But the tip of the iceberg is just 5% of what is happening. 95% of the story is happening beneath the surface.
The “offtrack behaviors” that we see typically occur due to the following forces beneath the surface:
Unmet needs
Unprocessed Feelings
Unsolved Problems
Understanding that children’s “off-track” behaviors are signals, not simply disobedience, allows us to respond with curiosity and compassion.
Empowerment Through Structure: The Picture Schedule
The Need For Power or Empowerment
How to Empower Your Child With Their Routines
One of the things that tends to drive offtrack behavior is the unmet need for power and autonomy. Even though they are small, it’s still important for children to feel some autonomy over their schedules and to feel some empowerment around implementing their own schedules. When we step in to help, this can easily veer towards micromanaging, which unknowingly and unintentionally disempowers the child. It creates a cycle that makes us believe that we must tell our child their own schedule or they won’t do it.
One of the first, most effective interventions to empower your child and give them back some of their autonomy (which is their birthright!) is to create a picture schedule with your child. Sit down during a calm moment and:
Print pictures beforehand or have your child draw pictures or take pictures representing each part of the routine (e.g., brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast).
Collaboratively decide the order and time that each step needs to happen in.
Post the schedule at your child’s eye level in visible places around your house.
Now, instead of giving constant reminders, your child can check the schedule and take charge of their own routine. If your child seems lost or forgets what to do, simply orient them to their own picture schedule and ask them instead of telling them what to do. This simple shift fosters independence and reduces power struggles.
Speaking Their Language: Playful Interventions
Children might have a problem with the language we are speaking: we often ask children to speak our language and forget it's so important to speak THEIR language. One of the languages they speak is the Language of Play!Instead of commanding or negotiating, try these playful strategies:
1. Two Positive Choices
Give kids agency with fun options: “Want to hop like a bunny or slither like a snake to the bathroom?” This makes going to the bathroom more exciting and appealing for children, and you are showing your children that the tasks at hand that need to get done can occur in a creative and fun way.
2. Set a Playful Limit with a Playful Countdown
Like adults, kids can benefit from having a countdown or deadline for a task that needs to get done. However, kids may believe that at the end of a countdown, scary things will happen. Instead of triggering anxiety with a stern countdown that might lead to a punishment, including interpersonal disapproval, turn it into a game: blow raspberries with each count or make silly sounds. Say, "I'm going to count down from 10. If you're not brushing your teeth by then, I will blow raspberries all over your cute little hand!" It sets a limit for your child while avoiding fear and keeping the mood light.
3. Music or Audiobooks
Keep a "special" speaker in the bathroom or bedroom to make routines more enjoyable by allowing your child to listen to a special song or story that is only played when they are brushing their teeth or getting dressed. Reserve it only for these moments so they can get excited and motivated to get their task done.
4. Switch Roles
Take the goofy confident role of your child, and let your child play the parent!
"How about tonight, instead of ME brushing YOUR teeth, YOU brush MY teeth! I’ll be the kid, and you’ll be the mommy/daddy!” When they brush your teeth, act defiant, like a child who doesn’t want their teeth brushed. Embody this role in a therapeutic way, not a mocking way. Your goal is to help your child feel like the parent, empowered, and capable, as you embody the defiant child in a silly and playful way! This allows your child to see these big emotions and struggles outside themselves in a goofy manner and lets them take the lead and coach you.
Calm and Confident Limits
Sometimes play isn’t enough—and that’s okay. In those moments, try the Calm, Confident Limit approach:
Get down to your child’s level.
Make eye contact and say, “It’s time.”
Remain calm and grounded no matter how much they argue.
Repeat firmly and gently: “It’s time.”
Avoid debating or engaging in the struggle. Your calm presence will communicate safety while also being firm.
Special Time: Connection Before Cooperation
Incorporate “Special Time”, a method from Patty Wipfler's Hand in Hand Parenting Method, into your routine.
Set an amount of time, even just 5–10 minutes. where your child gets to direct play, and you bring your full attention, enthusiasm, and delight. Set a timer and give your all in that window, letting your child feel empowered. This means your child gets to decide what to do with this specific amount of time. It’s not a time to teach, it’s not a time to set rules, it’s a time to do some of the taboo things that children enjoy like jumping on the couch or playing videogames together. Let these be things that they are not allowed to usually do outside of special time.
When the timer ends, invite them into the next step of the day. This method tends to help you connect with your child because you are speaking their language and giving them their time to play so that when they enter back into our world again, they are more connected with you and more willing to listen.
Final Thoughts
Transforming morning and bedtime routines isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection. By understanding the root of your child’s behavior, speaking their language through play, offering structure with schedules, and holding calm limits, you can reshape these transitions into moments of empowerment and joy.
Remember, every child—and every parent—is different. These tools are here to support you in creating rituals that work for your family. With consistency, creativity, and compassion, your routines can become rituals your child remembers with warmth.
Want more? Enjoy this video of Jaclyn Long, Director of Mindful Child & Family Therapy, as she shares some of the tips outlined above.