By: Saumya Patel and Jaclyn Long
Helping a Child Who Hits and Kicks
“Your calm presence can actually help wire your child’s brain for future emotional regulation.” - Saumya Patel
For many parents, few moments are more challenging than when a child lashes out with hitting or kicking. It’s distressing, confusing, and can leave even the most patient caregiver feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. But here's the truth: this behavior is not a sign of failure—it’s an opportunity for healing for you, and for deep learning and connection.
Why Kids Hit and Kick
Children aren’t born knowing how to regulate their emotions. In fact, when babies enter the world, their emotional brains—the limbic system—are already quite active. But the part of the brain responsible for self-control and thoughtful decision-making, the prefrontal cortex, isn’t fully developed until around age 25.
As Dr. Dan Siegel, an interpersonal neurobiologist, explains, these two brain regions (emotion and logic) slowly build bridges through connection, modeling, and experience. When a child hits or kicks, it’s often a sign that those bridges are temporarily “offline”— and that the child has “flipped their lid” so to speak, causing a disconnect in the bridge between their emotional brain and their thinking brain. Blood and energy rush from the thinking brain to the feeling brain, and in that moment, the child simply cannot access self-regulation on their own.
That’s where you come in.
The Power of Modeling
Children learn best through modeling. This means that when your child is struggling, your calm presence can actually help wire your child’s brain for future emotional regulation. That’s easier said than done—especially when little fists are flying—but it’s one of the most powerful tools you have as a parent.
It starts with self-awareness. When your child is bristling with frustration, mirror neurons in your brain may stir up a similar reaction in you. That’s completely natural. But with practice, you can learn to pause, take a breath, and respond in a way that teaches emotional safety and self-regulation.
For example, instead of a reactive response like:
“Stop hitting! I told you to STOP!”
Try a steady, calm, confident response - one that lets your child know that you understand they have lost control, but that you haven't:
“I’m not going to let you hit, sweetie.”
Just a few calm words. Minimal. Kind but firm. Loving but clear. If you find this very difficult to implement, as many parents do, it could be a sign that a part of you is in need of your attention. It might be helpful to work with any overwhelmed or activated parts of you before trying again, and a caring therapist can assist you with that!
Take Ownership, Stay Soft
When your child loses control, they are sending a signal that they’ve flipped their lids. They no longer have access to their regulatory system and they need support.
Yelling, blaming, or shaming them can add to the emotional flooding they are already experiencing and make it harder for them to calm down. Instead, it’s very helpful to regulate yourself, your mind, and your body. Try this approach of working softer, not harder.
Come close and establish a connectin
Soften your body
Relax your face
Lower your voice
Set a loving, clear boundary
Say with confidence,
“I know you’re having a hard time, and I’m right here. I’m not going to let you hit me.”
This communicates: I’m the one in charge, I understand what’s happening, and I know how to help you through it.
Understanding Tension
All kids go through a hitting and kicking phase. 30 years of anecdotal evidence has shown that kids whose parents react with tension when their child is hitting and kicking tend to have a prolonged kicking and hitting phase.
Kids carry tension in their bodies, and two of the most natural ways to release that tension are through laughter and crying. When we try to shut down a child’s crying or send them away when they’re upset, we may inadvertently cause that tension to stay stuck inside.
Let’s say you send your child to their room when they’re showing emotions of aggressiveness and tension. What ends up happening is they don’t get the support they need to release their deeper emotions and the tension ends up staying stuck inside.
If you yell and shame your child, they might stop crying immediately out of fear or transform their full-fledged crying (which tends to get more tension out) into a whimper, which actually isn’t as helpful if your child’s body was trying to release stored-up tension.
Instead of encouraging your child to shut down their emotions, or send them away, see if it might be possible to go inside yourself, and soothe yourself first. Then, see if you can bring your calm forward, to your child. Come close, try acting softer not harder, and set a calm, clear and confident limit. Offer a safe space for your child to cry and get their hard feelings out.
Your compassionate presence becomes the container for their emotions — a safe space where they can let go of their hard feelings, feel accepted in the process, and return to a baseline level of ease. From there, it will be easier for your child to regulate their emotions. They tend to be able to learn better, focus more and cooperate with requests more readily after a good, well-supported crying session.
Trust that your child will hit more times - even if you come close, stay calm and offer a loving limit. But each time they do, meet their “hitting hand” with a calm face and regulated body. Your calm will be internalized if you offer it again and again and again.
And remember, when you’re lid isn’t flipped, you’re still in control! So invite the parts of you that feel scared and overwhelmed to soften back, and let YOU be the leader inside of yourself.
What If I Get Triggered?
It’s going to happen. We all flip our lids sometimes. When you notice yourself starting to lose it, consider taking a self-timeout. Not to punish yourself or your child, but to model something powerful: your own self-regulation.
Try to take a self-timeout early on, as soon as you notice an activated part beginning to blend with you. This way, you will be more likely to let your child know that you will be taking a little break with warmth and kindness in your voice, instead of frustration and disapproval. For instance, you might say something like this:
“I’m noticing I’m getting a little tense, and I’m going to take a little break in the bathroom. I’ll be back in 2 minutes. I love you.”
Warning! Your child will really not like this! Expect an uproar of emotions from your child. As much as they will not like you setting a warm limit and bringing calm to their chaos, they will also not like it if you take a self-timeout and need to leave them, even for a short period of time. When you are listening to their feelings, it helps their hurt feelings come out. And because it hurts a little when big, stuck feelings come out - like an emotional constipation, your child will likely try to get you to go away. But it is also true that they need you there with them, as a loving anchor for them, as they feel their deepest, hardest, scariest feelings. So when you do take a self-timeout, which is a good and important thing to do when you are reaching your limit, they will seem very distressed by your lack of presence with them.
But remember, by taking a little break, you are modeling something important - a life skill.
Wherever you choose to take your self-timeout, use these three steps of simple self-compassion.
Non judgmentally name what’s happening – “ My child is having an emotional moment. I'm feeling really overwhelmed and triggered right now.”
Say something kind to yourself – Put your hand to your heart or give yourself a little hug and use a term of endearment. “It’s okay, this is hard. You’re doing your best.”
Acknowledge common humanity – “There are many moms around the world right now who are dealing with this exact same thing, I am not alone.”
After doing this, or anything else that you find helpful during a self-timeout, you can open the door and be prepared to be really present with your child. Go down to their level, look for their eyes, and be present with them and their upset about you leaving. Their anger has shifted from whatever they were upset about to you leaving, and it’s important to meet your child in that new experience moving through them in this new moment. You could say something like this,
“Aw…That was hard for you. I know you didn’t want me to go.”
And this…
“I’m here with you now, sweetie. I’m right here.”
Really lean in to their experience and cross the bridge over to their little world, giving them plenty of space to feel what they are feeling.
You’ve just modeled emotional self-regulation. And that’s beautiful.
When Hitting Really Hurts
If your child is hitting hard, of course you will need to protect yourself while also doing your best to maintain connection. You can try using a firm pillow to create a barrier between you and hte child. You can say:
“I’m not gonna let you hurt me, sweetie, but you can hit the pillow.”
Terms of endearment can be a helpful reminder to your internal system that you are the one leading the way, and that your child is good, even though they are going through a difficult moment of overwhelm. You can even bring in some playful energy:
“Wow, you hit the middle! Can you hit it again? Let’s see if the pillow can stay standing!”
Turn it into a little game so you're transforming the energy of the child while building connection and helping them to release tension through laughter.
What If My Child Scratches or Bites Themselves?
When a child scratches or bites themselves, we invite you to consider that all of the above still applies. Your calm confidence and self-regulation while setting a loving limit is the balm your child needs to eventually stop hurting themselves. Come close, gently take their hand, offer them a compassionate gaze and try saying with a warm tone:
"I'm not going to let you hit yourself, sweetie."
"I'm gonna help you stop."
"Let me see that cute little hand of yours! I think it needs some kisses!"
She might start telling you how much she hates herself, and thinks she is "bad" and somehow deserves to be punished. Although that might be hard to hear, try encouraging her to "Tell me all about it, sweetie" and "Get it all out." That''s her shame coming out. And it is better for shame to come out into the light - than to stay stuck inside, festering, and possibly growing bigger in the dark.
Remember: When your child has lost control, it helps her to know that you haven't. It helps her to know that you are there, with your calm confidence, helping her to stay safe.
You will probably have parts of you that are very worried about your child hurting themselves. And it will be helpful to invite those scared parts of you to move into the background for the moment, so your calm confidence can come forward. You can unpack the parts of you that hold fears and worries with a trusted adult later on - when your child is not around. You will likely need a calm, confident listener, too!
Conscious Roughhousing
Engaging in conscious roughhousing can help children manage their big impulses. Before you start playing with the idea of conscious roughhousing, it is helpful to come up with a fun and playful “safe word”. It can be an off topic, neutral word like “Banana Cream Pie!” Practice using that “safe word” so they know that when anyone says the word, all play really does comes to a stop for the moment.
When engaging in conscious roughhousing, it is important to hold back your own power. This is not a time to dominate the play. This is a time to be the silly, goofy & incompetent one. This way, you are modeling a deep sense of morality. Like a tiger roughhousing with her cub, you are not going to fight hard, bite hard and/or overpower them just because you can! You are also modeling your own management of aggression. Doing all of this will help your child practice modeling their own impulses.
You can also set clear limits and physical boundaries, but do so gently, without interpersonal disapproval by saying,
“Oopsies! Banana Cream Pie!”
And then:
“You can punch the pillow, my love, but I’m not gonna let you punch my face.”
If physical play doesn’t feel right for you, try air fighting. Let them do pretend punches in the air, and you respond with playful tumbles and dramatic reactions, as though they have special “power gloves” on their hands. This models your own, personal boundaries, ensures safety, and still allows for emotional release all at once - especially if you do it in a way that helps your child laugh.
Helping a child who hits and kicks is not about punishment or control—it’s about connection, modeling, and emotional safety. Your calm confidence, even in tough moments, creates the very pathways in the brain that your child will use to regulate themselves for years to come. And if you find this challenging, it could be a “trailhead” for you…the beginning of a healing journey of reparenting yourself as you parent your child.
Want more? Enjoy this video of Jaclyn Long, Director of Mindful Child & Family Therapy, as she shares some of the tips outlined above.
WATCH JACLYN LONG'S VIDEO HERE: https://www.youtube.com/embed/pTB4gDux764