Couples Communication Tools
Written by Saumya Patel and Jaclyn Long.
With any relationship, conflicts are bound to occur. It’s how we navigate conflict that matters most. And no matter what the conflict is about, individuals have a choice in how they respond.
This blog offers practical steps to create understanding, connection, and emotional safety with your partner in order to foster effective communication in times of conflict.
Step 1: Listening / Tracking
When conflicts arise, it is natural to become defensive, withdraw or shut down. When you notice yourself or your partner feeling like this, shift your focus to listening inwardly and tracking outwardly. Listen inwardly to the different aspects of yourself and your internal system that need your attention. Then, you can more effectively “track” your partner. Tracking is a skill that involves tuning into your partner’s experience with the purpose of helping them feel deeply understood.
The Flashlight Technique
Imagine turning on a flashlight and shining it on your partner’s words and feelings. To do this:
Do a You-Turn: Actively focus your attention inward, and invite defensive or reactive aspects of yourself to soften a little, increasing the experience of calm curiosity.
Reflect Back: Summarize what your partner is sharing with you by “tracking” their experience, like a naturalist tracks footprints, to show you’re listening and understanding.
Help Them Feel Felt: To feel deeply understood is one of our most basic needs. It fosters a deep sense of connection and emotional safety. Helping your partner feel felt by you (even if you don’t agree with what they are saying) conveys a sense that you understand them, you are listening, and you get them.
How to Track Effectively
Think of tracking as a poem that is titled, “So you.” In this poem, each verse starts with a “So you…” statement. Follow this poem's outline by starting each of your sentences with a “So you..” statement, and describe their experience as they’ve shared it. For example:
“So you feel frustrated because you’ve asked me to pick up the socks several times, and it hasn’t happened.”
“So you feel like your efforts in the house aren’t being noticed.”
This technique focuses entirely on their experience without bringing your perspective into the mix.
Key Tips for Tracking
Use a Passive Voice: Using a passive voice creates a space, helping you to empathize deeply by removing yourself from the experience. This makes it easier to reflect on the other person's experience. Refrain from using “I” or “me” statements, and instead use the pronoun “you” to keep the focus on your partner. For example, try saying “So you feel unheard when socks are left on the floor,” instead of “I don’t know why it bothers you so much when I leave socks on the floor.”
Empathy Is Key: Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they’re feeling. Adjust your tone to be soft and reflective—lower your voice at the end of sentences to convey calmness. By empathizing, you are allowing yourself to see a new perspective (even if you don’t agree) while ensuring your partner feels heard and validated.
Take Breaks When Triggered: If you feel overwhelmed or unable to track effectively, communicate this to your partner. Agree on a code word or phrase that signals the need for a pause. Take time out to regulate your own nervous system, reflect inwardly, and collect your thoughts so you can communicate with your partner effectively at a later time. Taking a break prevents escalation and ensures both partners can return to the conversation when calmer.
Step 2: Making an Impact Statement
When it’s time to express your own feelings, replace “you” statements with “I” statements to avoid blame or attack. For example:
Instead of: “You never pick up the socks.”
Say: “I noticed the socks were left on the floor again. When I see them there after I’ve asked for them to be picked up, I feel disrespected and unheard.”
This approach:
Shifts the focus from blaming the other person to focusing on how the situation affects you.
Opens the door for an opportunity to share your own vulnerability, which fosters connection.
Acknowledges that seemingly small issues (like socks) may stem from deeper wounds (such as feeling unheard or disrespected).
When Someone Shares an Impact Statement
Your job as the listener is to track them. Reflect their thoughts, feelings, sentiments, hopes and fears back to them, just as you would during a regular tracking session, seeing if you can help them feel seen, heard and understood.
A common question many people have is this: “What happens if I want to track, but my husband is silent?”
Track their silence: Without placing blame, see if you can “track” their silence. Make some guesses about what their silence might mean. For instance, “Your silence seems to suggest you aren’t sure what to say.” or "There might be something going on inside, even though you aren’t saying anything right now. Maybe you can say something when you find the words.”
Be Aware of the Demand / Withdraw Pattern: The "Demand / Withdraw Pattern" also known as the "Pursuer / Distancer" pattern occurs when one partner wants a change and pushes the other for discussion on the topic, but their partner does not respond - and instead withdraws." This occurs when one partner wants a change and pushes the other for discussion on the topic, but their partner does not respond - and instead withdraws. The more one partner pursues, the more the other partner withdraws. For example, if Joseph forgot to pick up his socks, Sally, who is frustrated by this, may try to bring it up with Joseph. But Joseph, feeling Sally’s intense frustration, might stay silent, provoking and angering Sally even more. In this case, it could be helpful for Sally to first of all make a “YouTurn” and tend to her own frustration. Then, when she is more regulated, Sally could try to track Joseph’s silence, and not only put words to his experience, but also empathize with how hard it can be to talk about things - especially when he doesn’t really want to, and / or when things are more heated.
Take a Break, then Reassess: In this situation, Sally could also take a little break from the conversation to do a deeper “You-Turn” to tend to her own, internal system. Then, when she is feeling more regulated, she could ask Joseph to go for a walk and talk, so they could have a more relaxed and thus productive conversation.
Recognize Conditioning: It is important to recognize that many men in our culture have been conditioned to not be in touch with their feelings, so if they have a big feeling coming up, and they don’t want to yell or overreact, they might just go into shut down. This can be a protective response…protecting themselves from their own anger, but also protecting their partner from their anger. (And this can also be the case for many women, of course.) In this case, have open conversations with your partner, make sure they know they are in a safe, open, and accepting space where their emotions and feelings are welcome and appreciated.
Remember, don’t put pressure on yourself or your partner to be perfect the first several times you try to track each other! You and your partner are a team, learning a new skill together. Don’t expect to win the Superbowl the first time you play football! Although conflicts will arise, see if you can work together to be gracious, patient, understanding, and empathetic with each other as you both embark on this learning journey together.
Want more? Enjoy this video of Jaclyn Long, Director of Mindful Child & Family Therapy, as she shares some of the tips outlined above.