“Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.”
– Antoine de Saint-Exupery
At Mindful Child & Family Therapy, our therapists are honored to offer Internal Family Systems (IFS).
We believe that the healing potential rests within you. As Internal Family Systems therapists, it is our job to help you gently tap into the healing capacity within, so you can deepen the relationship between your deep, wise and compassionate Self and the parts of you that are in need of your loving attention. In so doing, you can unlock your own, inherent potential to bring healing to those tender parts of you. We honor your incredible potential, as we help you heal the wounds that tend to impede the flow of your life and relationships.
Our therapeutic team has found IFS to be an effective treatment for:
- Anxiety / Stress / Overwhelm
- Chronic Pain / Insomnia
- Suicidal thoughts
- Early Childhood Trauma / Developmental Trauma
- Challenging Relationships / Dynamics
- Couples Issues
- Parenting Issues
If this sounds interesting to you, we invite you to schedule a FREE CONSULTATION with one of our trained therapists to see if Internal Family Systems is the right fit for you.
An Overview of Internal Family Systems
We are all born whole, made up with lots of parts – just like the body.
For instance, the body has many different parts that work together as a coherent whole:
- arm bones
- leg bones
Similarly, we have – and need – many different parts of our personality in order to live and function as a coherent whole. When we are born, we are naturally led by the Self – a deeply caring and compassionate inner presence.
The “Self” is greater than the sum of our individual parts, and has qualities that IFS refers to as the 8 C’s:
One of the main aspects of Self is that no matter what traumas or challenging experiences it goes through, it cannot be damaged or even overwhelmed by those experiences. As Richard Rohr writes, “When we are connected to the Whole, we no longer need to protect or defend the smaller parts. We are connected to something inexhaustible and unhurtable. The True Self cannot be hurt.”
With Self as the leader, the parts work together in harmony, leading to an experience of well-being.
When we experience extreme conditions that Self was not prepared to handle (because our brains & bodies weren’t developed enough at the time), certain parts 1) got burdened by extreme beliefs, thoughts and feelings, 2) took on extreme roles and 3) like parentified children, began to lead the system they were not designed to lead. They “took-over” the system and thus became “blended” with Self. They took the reigns of the system in their best efforts to help us survive the less than optimal, non-empathic environment. In so doing, we became Parts-Led. And this was necessary at the time – in order to survive that non-empathic environment. Our Parts did the very best they could to protect us and keep us safe. And we can thank them sincerely for that. They have been working very hard on our behalf. They really do deserve and benefits from our recognition.
When we are Parts-Led, it means that some parts are overfunctioning from their natural state and some parts are under-functioning from their natural state, so the system is not working harmoniously. Overfunctioning parts can become extreme and are thus often in conflict other parts in what we call “polarizations”. It also means that we do not have access to the wisdom, flow and healing potential of the authentic Self, because a part has taken over it, or “blended” with it – sometimes referred to as emotional hijacking in other models.
Contrary to other theoretical models, these parts do not “show up” when trauma happens. These parts are always there from the beginning. These parts simply take on burdens (extreme thoughts, beliefs & feelings) and extreme roles when they experience traumatic events / sub-optimal environments in order to do their best to help the person survive. And then they “blend” with the Self in order to manage our lives and keep us functioning the best way these parts know how.
In IFS we say: “Parts are not the burdens they carry.”
So our goal is never to get rid of parts. We need all of our parts. They help us to function. Our goal is to help parts offload their burdens, to release them from their extreme and rigid roles, to free the parts up to function in their more natural states, in turn leading to more harmonious interactions with the rest of the system.
Part of our work as an IFS therapist is to help our clients bring healing to the Exiles. (Exiles are the parts that have been split off by Protectors that came online to protect the Self from exposure to painful experiences. In so doing, these Exiles were cast into the shadows and are underfunctioning and stuck back in the time of the painful experience.) We facilitate this healing process by helping the client establish a relationship between Self and the Exile, and the client’s Self eventually helps the Exile offload the burdens they have been carrying. When clients do this, it frees the Exile to return to its natural state (often bringing important and very helpful qualities back to the system, such as increased energy, vitality, spontaneity, play, creativity, etc.).
At the same time, there is often an almost instant shift in the Protectors (Managers & Firefighters) that had been keeping the Exile safe in hiding all those years.
When the Protectors bear witness to the healing of the Exile and witness its return to its natural state, the Protectors no longer feel compelled to be in their extreme roles of protecting the Exile. There is no longer a need to protect in such an extreme way.
In this way, healing the Exile also frees up the Protector parts to release their burdens and their extreme roles of over functioning in the system. They no longer need to hijack – or blend with – the Self in an effort to manage the system. They have also gotten to witness the deep, healing powers of the Self and have established a sense of trust in the Self. So they are now much more willing to step back and allow the authentic Self to lead the system. The Protectors thus get to rest from the very hard work they’ve been doing in the system for ages. And they get to return to their natural state and functioning in the system, again increasing the harmony of the system as a whole. And the client gets to experience the sense of wellbeing that comes from exercising Self leadership.
In the IFS model, this healing does not happen between the therapist’s Self and the clients parts. This healing happens between the client’s Self and the client’s parts. It is when the client is coming from Self or is engaging a lot of “Self-Energy” that the client’s Self can bring healing to all of the parts inside the client.
So it is our main focus as IFS therapists to help “unblend” the the client’s Parts from Self, and help the client establish a relationship between Self and the Parts, so the Self can bring healing to them, unburden them and help return them to their natural state within the system. This process brings greater harmony to the system as a whole and allows for a deep sense of resilience and wellbeing.
In summary, we all have parts – whether we are traumatized or not, whether we have fully healed from trauma or not.
It is natural, healthy and good to be made up of many different parts working together in a coherent whole.
We also all have access to Self.
Over time, as the parts begin to develop trust in Self, we come more Self-Led.
And when we are Self-Led, or exercising Self leadership, there is more harmony in the system. We function better, we experience a deep sense of resilience and wellbeing and we sense a deep connection within us and among all things. We realize we are so much greater than the sum of our parts.
If you would like to learn more, here is a wonderful article about the origins of Internal Family Systems, here is a great podcast interview with founder Richard Schwartz, and here is an Overview of the Internal Family Systems model.